Have you ever noticed how certain relationships can bring out a side of you that you thought you'd grown out of?
Perhaps you find yourself worrying about disappointing someone, feeling anxious when someone becomes distant, struggling to express how you really feel, or finding it difficult to ask for what you need.
Sometimes, our reactions in relationships can feel bigger than the situation in front of us.
We might find ourselves responding in ways we don't fully understand, even when part of us knows that the situation doesn't necessarily call for such a strong emotional response.
It can be helpful to consider whether some of these experiences are connected to the relationships and experiences we had when we were younger.
Because although we grow older, the way we experience relationships doesn't always grow and change at the same pace.
Our younger selves and the relationships we experienced
When we're children, our relationships with the people around us play an important role in how we begin to understand ourselves and the world. We learn about connection, trust, safety and belonging through our interactions with others. We begin to develop an understanding of whether it's safe to express our emotions, whether our needs will be recognised, and how the people around us might respond when we are upset, frightened or struggling.
For some, these experiences provide a sense of security. They learn that relationships can be a place where they feel accepted, understood and supported. For others, relationships may have felt less predictable.
Perhaps affection or attention felt inconsistent. Maybe expressing emotions wasn't encouraged, or there was a sense that keeping other people happy was important. Some may have felt they needed to be particularly well behaved, independent or accommodating to receive approval or avoid conflict.
As children, we don't necessarily have the understanding or perspective to make sense of these experiences. Instead, we find ways of adapting to the environments and relationships around us. These adaptations can become ways of keeping ourselves emotionally safe. Perhaps we learn not to ask for too much, to hide how we're feeling, to avoid conflict or to become particularly aware of other people's moods. At the time, these responses may have helped us navigate our relationships.
But what happens when we carry them into adulthood?
When our younger selves show up in adult relationships
As adults, we enter all sorts of different relationships. Friendships, romantic relationships, family relationships and professional connections. Although these relationships may be very different from those we experienced growing up, some of the feelings and expectations we developed earlier in life can continue to influence how we relate to others.
For example:
The child who learnt not to cause a fuss may become the adult who struggles to express their needs.
They might find themselves agreeing to things they don't really want to do, avoiding difficult conversations or feeling guilty when they put themselves first.
The child who experienced inconsistent affection may become the adult who worries about being abandoned.
They might feel anxious when someone doesn't respond to a message, seek reassurance frequently or find it difficult to feel secure in relationships.
The child who felt responsible for keeping everyone happy may become the adult who takes responsibility for other people's emotions.
They might become particularly sensitive to changes in someone's mood, feel uncomfortable when others are upset and find themselves putting their own needs aside.
The child who felt they had to be perfect to receive approval may become the adult who fears making mistakes.
They might become overly critical of themselves, worry about disappointing others or feel that they need to prove their worth.
Of course, these are not fixed outcomes, and our childhood experiences don't determine who we become.
There are many influences on how we develop and relate to others.
However, recognising the connections between our earlier experiences and our present relationships can sometimes help us understand why certain situations feel particularly difficult.
Understanding rather than judging ourselves
When we recognise these patterns, it's easy to become frustrated with ourselves. We might ask why we keep reacting in the same way, why we struggle to say no, or why we find it so difficult to trust people. But perhaps there's another way of looking at it. Rather than viewing these responses as flaws or weaknesses, we can begin to understand them as ways of relating that developed for a reason.
The difficulty is that something which may once have helped us feel safe can sometimes become unhelpful in our adult relationships.
Avoiding conflict might have helped us navigate difficult situations when we were younger, but it may now prevent us from communicating openly with someone we care about. Keeping our emotions to ourselves might once have felt necessary, but it can make it difficult to allow others to understand us.
Recognising these patterns isn't about blaming our childhood, our parents or the people around us. It's about developing a greater understanding of ourselves, including the experiences that may have shaped the way we connect with others. And with that understanding, we can begin to consider whether the ways we have learnt to relate are still serving us.
How the therapeutic relationship can help
One of the things I believe is particularly important in counselling is the relationship between the counsellor and the person coming to therapy. We often talk about the importance of having a safe space to explore our thoughts and feelings. But I think it's also important to recognise that the experience of the relationship itself can be meaningful.
For some people, allowing themselves to be open with another person can feel unfamiliar.
Perhaps they're used to being the one who listens, rather than being listened to. Maybe they're worried about being judged, saying the wrong thing, becoming emotional or taking up too much space. These feelings can sometimes emerge within the counselling relationship too. And rather than seeing this as something that gets in the way of therapy, it can offer an opportunity to gently explore what's happening.
A therapeutic relationship offers the possibility of experiencing connection in a different way. A relationship where you can express difficult emotions without being judged, where you don't have to have all the answers, and where there's space for you to explore what you need. It's a relationship built on consistency, respect, acceptance and collaboration. Over time, experiencing this kind of relationship may help us develop a different understanding of what it means to connect with another person.
It can help us recognise that we don't always have to hide our feelings, that expressing our needs doesn't necessarily mean we're being difficult, and that relationships can make room for our experiences as well as those of others. This isn't about counselling replacing the relationships we've had or magically undoing difficult experiences. Rather, it's about creating an opportunity to explore those experiences, understand how they continue to affect us and begin to experience different ways of relating.
Sometimes, the opportunity to be heard and understood by another person can be meaningful in itself.
We can learn to relate differently
Perhaps one of the most important things to recognise is that the younger version of ourselves doesn't simply disappear as we get older. The experiences we have had, the relationships we've formed and the ways we've learnt to protect ourselves can continue to influence how we experience the world. But they don't have to define how we relate to others forever.
We can learn to express our needs, develop healthier boundaries, become more comfortable with vulnerability and build relationships where we feel able to be ourselves. And perhaps this starts with showing a little more understanding towards the parts of ourselves that learnt to adapt in the first place. Because sometimes, the things we struggle with most in our adult relationships are connected to things we needed when we were younger. And sometimes, healing begins when we finally have the opportunity to explore those experiences in a relationship where we feel safe enough to do so.
Perhaps the question isn't simply how we can become better at relationships, but how our experiences have taught us to relate in the first place.