When we find it easier to support others rather than ourselves.

We often talk about mental health more openly than we used to. We encourage our friends and family to talk about how they are feeling. We tell our partners they don’t have to deal with things alone. We encourage someone we care about to reach out for support when they are struggling. But what happens when we are the ones who need support?

Sometimes that’s where things become more complicated. We might find ourselves thinking…. I’m okay….. Other people have it worse…. I should be able to cope with this by myself….it will pass….I don’t want to be a burden to anyone…. And perhaps one of the most difficult thoughts: What will people think if they know I am struggling?

There can be a sense of shame or stigma around talking about our mental health. We might worry that asking for help means we’re ‘weak’, ‘incapable’ or somehow failing to cope. Yet it is interesting how differently we tend to respond when someone we care about is struggling. We don’t usually tell them they are being ‘weak’ or ‘incapable’. We don’t tell them they should ‘just get on with it’. We don’t question whether they’re ‘struggling enough’ to deserve support. Instead many of us would use kinder words….. ‘I’m here’…..’you don’t have to do this alone’…..’have you thought about talking to someone about how you feel?’ So why is it that it can be so difficult to offer ourselves this same compassion?

Perhaps part of the answer lies in the messages we have learnt throughout our lives. Messages about being strong, independent, successful, and keeping things to ourselves. For some of us these messages may have helped us navigate difficult experiences at some point. They may have given us a sense of control or helped us keep going when we needed to. But sometimes, the things that helped us cope in the past make it harder to recognise when we need support in the present.

Maybe change doesn’t always begin with doing more. Perhaps sometimes it can begin with allowing ourselves to receive. To allow ourselves to say…. Actually, I am struggling with this….I could use some support. This does not mean we are giving up our independence. And it certainly does not mean we are incapable of coping, or, that our previous ways of coping were wrong. It can simply mean recognising that we are human, and humans need connection.

Counselling can provide a space where you don’t have to be the strong one, the fixer or the one who has everything together. You can bring the parts of yourself that you might usually keep hidden from others. You can explore what makes asking for help difficult. You can become curious about the beliefs and expectations you’ve developed around strength, vulnerability and self-reliance.

And perhaps gradually, begin to offer yourself some of the same understanding that you so readily offer to others. Maybe seeking support is not a sign that something has gone wrong. Maybe it can be part of finding a different way forward.